Friday, April 1, 2011

8 inappropriate Cthulhu products including sex toys, breath mints and more (mildly NSFW)

Sometimes in my wanderings around the Internet as I'm stumbling about reading up on cosmic insanity and eldritch horrors, I come across Cthulhu products that make me go WTF.  Mostly my reaction is WTF but I want that, sometimes it's WTF and DO NOT WANT, and sometimes it's just plain old WTF.

Below are 8 things I found that I felt an irresistible urge to share with you. I apologize in advance for the ones that might scar you. Conversely, if they are the kinds of things that turn you on, you're welcome. Most aren't particularly offensive.

We'll start of lightly, with some Cthulhu mints.  For some reason I'm perfectly fine with a cuddly Cthulhu plush toy but tying "fresh breath" and the "green sticky spawn of the stars" together isn't working for me. Call me provincial, but I just don't want my cosmic horrors turned into mints. And certainly not white mints. Couldn't they at least make them green?

Okay, sure, yeah, another clever one here.  Cthulhu, perfume, I get it, it's the juxtaposition that makes it amusing.  But just the thought of someone smelling like a 350 million year old pulpy headed, flabby clawed cosmic entity skeeves me out.

Cthulhu Baby Blanket

Oh, this is a good idea.  Giving your kid night terrors amuses you, does it? When your baby's first words are "Cthulhu Fhtagn" you won't be so pleased.

Cthulhu Care Bears

I admit it, I'm fickle. I love Hello Cthulhu but am just creeped out by the Cthulhu Care Bear. Possibly because of the pentagram engraved on its stomach.

Cthulhu Cat Toy

Your cat is already basically trying to kill you each night by sleeping on your head and stealing your breath and now you want to expose it to the high priest of the Great Old Ones. And you expect to live another week?

Cthulhu Thong
Here's where it starts to get a bit creepy. Again, I find myself drawing a fine line with this one. I'm okay with Cthulhu appearing on thongs, panties and other tiny sexy garments. I'm just not okay when it's on your crotch along with the word "scream."  And does that mean I'm supposed to scream at your crotch, or because of your crotch? And why the heck is Cthulhu YELLOW?  It makes him look like a urine stain.  If that's intentional I'm going to increase the gross out factor of this one by 10.

Cthulhu Dildo

This shit just got real, didn't it? We are no longer in Care Bear territory. And you can guess that if I'm not crazy about Cthulhu Breath Mints and Cthulhu Perfume that an 11-inch long, 2-inch thick purple Cthulhu Dildo with "a clit stimulating tentacle tail" isn't going to thrill me. And I mean that in every possible way you can think of. At this point you're looking at the picture above and either screaming "no no no this is so wrong!" or "yes yes yes this is so right!" May the elder gods help you either way.

Cthulhu Codpiece

I leave you with this image and my apologies for making you look at it.





See more Cthulhu stuff.


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  2. I'd seen the dildos before and they are PRICEY. Not that I was actually shopping but you know, you kinda see that and you question- how much DOES it cost to shove one of the old ones up your hoohah, anyway? Speaking of hooah, it's generally a bad idea to holler at them. Some of them bark.

    Yeah, it's not a pretty pricetag. The codpiece looks like it came from Etsy. Please tell me that came from Etsy.

    Interestingly enough my captcha was bonedr.

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