Thursday, April 21, 2011

Replace H.P. Lovecraft's adjectives with "spooky" then delete "spooky" and the writing magically improves


Myths Retold does exactly what you think a site with that name would do. It retells myths, but Internet style, with snarky bloggery and swear words. Usually that kind of thing is awful because it's hard to do well, but these guys pretty much nailed it recently with a clever take on H.P. Lovecraft's "The Call of Cthulhu." Below are some choice excerpts, or you can just jump over and read the whole (long) thing.

Warning - This is not for everyone and the language is definitely NSFW


holy shit what the fuck is even WRONG with this guy
reading one paragraph of this cthulu shit
is roughly equivalent to TWELVE WEEKS IN VIETNAM
...
but so this granduncle character dies
in a super suspicious way that involves a black dude
(fun fact: HP Lovecraft hates him some black people)
and he leaves all his crazy science bullshit to his grandnephew
and the grandnephew is rooting through all this shit in a super respectful manner
when he finds this weird-ass clay tablet with shit on it
...
but our narrator (the grandnephew) does not give a cardboard FUCK
about this supernatural bullshit
he is pretty sure this wilcox guy just got messed up on sculpting fumes
and started making up crazy stories
so he goes ahead and reads MORE of his granduncle's crazytime notes
and these ones are even MORE crazytimes
...
yeah after these idiots open up the citadel or whatever it is
Cthulu is like O HAI THER
and come lumbering out
along with a big black cloud of poison and insanity
two great things that go great together
and half the crew just instantly goes crazy/dies/is eaten by cthulu
another dude falls into a hole on the structure
that is only there
because the dude who built this shit
was SUCH A SHITTY ARCHITECT
that he BROKE GEOMETRY
...
WAIT HOLD ON ASSHOLE
IF YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO FIND OUT THIS SHIT
WHY DID YOU JUST PAINSTAKINGLY DETAIL IT OUT FOR ME
AND THEN PUBLISH IT IN A FUCKING BOOK
WITH SPECIAL ATTENTION PAID TO ALL THE CRUCIAL ADJECTIVES?
GREAT JOB PRICK
NOW MY LIFE IS RUINED
There are a couple of other fun bits about spacerocks and how to improve Lovecraft's writing by replacing all the adjectives with spooky, then deleting spooky. It's the kind of thing you'll like, if you like this kind of thing. Otherwise you'll probably think it's just stupid.

(from Myths RETOLD)

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